how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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