my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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