omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
