Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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