I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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