I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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