I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
