apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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