You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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