Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
