I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
