hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
