I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We had to coat check the pizza.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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