i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
