I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
