Just mADE A PArabola og urine
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
