You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
