I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
