Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
