areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
