I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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