So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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