dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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