I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
