The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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