everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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