Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
