I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im holly from the hills drunk
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
