My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
