if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
