also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
