I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
