I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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