that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
