remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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