If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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