Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
