After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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