By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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