So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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