I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
