Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
