So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
