I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
