there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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