we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
