I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
