Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just want to make out with him forever
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
