Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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