You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We left the knife in your bed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
