can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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