the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
